Pangs of guilt and remorse

I'm feeling pretty guilty right now. I said I would go phonebank for No on 36 tonight and I didn't do it. Didn't go in, didn't call, just didn't. I have that luxury in that if Measure 36 passes, I won't be directly affected, although I'll certainly be affected emotionally by the wounding of so many of my friends.

So why didn't I go in and why am I contemplating bailing on canvassing Tuesday morning? Because I just don't have it in me. I thought I did but I don't. I don't like going door to door, even if it is just to remind people to vote. I don't like calling people, at home around dinner time, even if it is for something I strongly support. Something about the entire practice feels intrusive.

It's the same reason I could never be a commissioned salesperson. I feel so strongly that people need to come to their understandings in their own time and by their own path that I don't like to step in unless I'm invited. Yes, I realize that this is probably one of the more important elections in US history (local and national) and, yes, I realize that the grassroots voter mobilization effort has been one of the most significant events in recent US political history.

All that said, I still can't bring myself to feel comfortable with invading people's homes and lives.

Wondering

where I would be...if
just one thing had happened
...differently
where would I be...if
just one person had not crossed my path
...meaningfully
where would I be...if
just one moment passed me by
...unnoticed
where would I be?

Team "F*** Everyone but US!"

I saw Team America a couple of weeks ago and just haven't blogged about it until now. Actually, Cecily pretty much captured most of my thoughts but I thought I'd post a flying mention anyway.

When I walked out of the movie, I was stunned. Because the characters were puppets, I wasn't really clear on whether I should be angry, shocked, or amused. Upon further reflection, I realized that anger and disgust were pretty appropriate. Initially, the filmmakers scored by nailing a lot of American attitudes and behaviors on the head. I was, at first, encouraged by this skewering of America's ridiculous behavior but my good feelings rapidly changed to bewilderment.

Where was the piece of the plot that would end up showing the world that Americans realize our own stupid behaviors and don't support them? Um...nowhere near this movie. When you create a movie that's based on stereotypes of all different types of people and then has the stereotypical 'winner' actually win, it feels like something's gone horribly wrong.

That's what happened. I was expecting to see something other than (guess what) Americans winning, peace activists portrayed like mindless idiots, Middle Easterners depicted (all of them) as turban-wearing, beard-having terrorists, and women portrayed (you guessed it) as blonde (wooden)Barbie dolls.

By the way, during the puppet sex scene, the male puppet displayed his wood but it wasn't the kind that does any good!

Emotional and mental overload

I have to say, once again, that I'm so grateful that I don't have as much stress and/or drama in my life as many other people. Adding all this election pressure on top of that and we have a recipe for disaster. With regard to the emotional environment of our country, I'd love to know the following:

What has happened to the overall physical health of our country in the last four years? By this, I mean what do the statistics show about the increase or decrease of stress-related illness/disease/death since 9/11 and Bush's response to it?

What has happened to the overall mental health of our country in the last four years? Again, I'm wondering what stats would show about the rise/fall of a of mental conditions such as depression and anxiety since the wars began. People can only run off fear-induced adrenaline for so long before their bodies begin to exhibit signs of illness and disease and the American people have been constantly subjected to incredible amounts of fear-based messaging for the last three years.

The reason I'm commenting on all this is simply that I feel tired, uneasy, off-balance, and slightly irritable quite often. These are no longer normal states of being for me and I'm finding them quite uncomfortable and difficult to move out of. I think it's from the enormous amount of pressure, attention, and anxiety surrounding this election - not just in America but throughout the world.

Many of us who are aware of the larger picture and of our place as a global citizen feel (perhaps literally) the weight of the world bearing down on us. It's hard to remember that the world will go on, even if Bush does get elected this time. It feels as if hope is on the line; the fate of the world rests on this election. Intellectually, I know that isn't true but it sure does feel like it!

Bottom line? Three more days until Nov 2. At least the campaigning will be over.

Do I want to

eat today, or not
wear a warm coat today, or not
have a safe place to stay today, or not
access safe transport today, or not
talk to loving people today, or not
feel secure in my life today, or not
these are my options
these are not everybody's options
I can choose to care today, or not

Anita Under the Lemon Tree

Hi and thanks for stopping by - I tried to find your blog but couldn't. Tried to email you and it bounced. Please drop me an email (see the sidebar) or leave a comment with your blog addy :)

Clarity falling

like leaves, drifting
...down
onto the soggy pavement
the trees are clear
but what can the pavement see?

Thanks WTF

for this fabulous, snort-laughter inducing quote...

In the minority

A couple of years ago, I set some goals for myself around how I wanted to live my life. At the time, I didn't articulate these goals but I had a vague idea what I wanted and I started moving in that direction. Those loose goals included the following:

• releasing the desire and inclination to *do* all the time
  
• recognizing that simply *being* is infinitely desirable
  

I think I have come quite a long way in accomplishing both of those (although accomplishing a goal is rather paradoxical considering the second statement) but I feel like I've hit a sticking point.

The first part of the summer was a great deal of work and I spent the second part of the summer just relaxing and enjoying the rest of my time off from coursework. Now that classes have started again, I find that I still have that 'end of summer' attitude. I'm working as a mentor but, this term, that isn't taking too much time. I'm doing some small volunteer projects with the Women's Resource Center but, again, not too time consuming. I do a teensy little bit of volunteer work with Free Geek and I work two hours, two days a week at a local barn to pay for a weekly riding lesson.

My coursework, thus far, has taken very little effort. I know that's going to change towards mid-November but that's a couple of weeks off. In short, I feel a bit at loose ends. Even though I have free time, I can't make myself 'do' stuff to fill it. I've got a membership at a great gym and I don't want to be there. I live in the PNW - home of the outdoor activity and I don't want to do any. I could work more at the barn and ride more, don't want to do it. I could read my unread books - don't want to do it.

In short, I just wander around thinking about stuff I could do and not doing it. Almost every person I know has got so much 'stuff' in their life it's unbelievable. Classes, job, relationships, other people, traveling, research, activism/volunteering, organizations, etc. I'm beginning to feel a bit like I'm not doing enough to keep up. See the dilemma? I spend all this time unlearning the desire to define myself through 'doing' and I find myself confused because I feel like I'm not doing enough.

I've worked pretty hard to remove most of the sources of stress in my life - moving 3000 miles was helpful in some ways, not so much in others. I feel like I've moved through a lot of the anxiety that was cause by the move so maybe I'm just in the transition state between moving and whatever comes next. I've got more attention, awareness, and energy now (released from the "oh my god I moved 3000 miles and I'm all by myself" thoughts) and I don't have a place to focus it yet.

That feels pretty right on, although the feeling of 'loose ends' isn't terribly comfortable. Oh well, feeling unmotivated to do more than the bare minimum for a while won't kill me :)

Out of the dishwater

soapy bubbles rise
pieces of food, uneaten and unwanted
in this overfed country,
drop into the strainer
creating a tiny pile of soft, inedible garbage

Chat with g.o.d.

I got this from croed, not sure where she got it, but I think it's kinda cool - even though g.o.d. talks in soundbytes:
======================================
God: Hello. Did you call me?
Me: Called you? No, who is this?
God: This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.
Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.
God: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too .
Me: Don't know. But I can't find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.
God: Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.
Me: I understand. But I still can't figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.
God: Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.
Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?
God: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.
Me: Why are we then constantly unhappy?
God: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.
Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?
God: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.
Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty.
God: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?
God: Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life becomes better not bitter.
Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?
God: Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can't we be free from problems?
God: Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons to Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.
Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading. God: If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.
Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?
God: Success is a measure as decided by others.Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.
Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?
God: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.
Me: What surprises you about people?
God: When they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me". Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.
Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here. I can't get the answer.
God: Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.
Me: How can I get the best out of life?
God: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.
God: There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.
Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the day with a new sense of inspiration.
God: Well, Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live. Best wishes for a good day.

A quick hello to my inner geek

Considering my fabulousness, it's probably a big surprise to at least one person that I'm rather a geek at heart. Now, I'm not a hard-core geek but I do fit a great number of geek stereotypes, including an ongoing interest in software, usability, ID, and other sorts of technology stuff. I try to incorporate the info on the hopes that one day I'll actually be able to put it into [obvious] practice.

For example, I just read Joel's post about social usability. It's a great piece and got me thinking even more about how technology (not just computers) has radically altered the way we interact with each other. Even that statement is problematic because it assumes that the people I'm interacting with also have computers. If I start trying to interact with people who aren't familiar with, or don't have access to, this technology, will I be successful? Don't forget that only an extremely small percentage of people in the world have access to today's sophisticated technological advances. Most people are trying to make sure they have enough water, no time for worrying about hard drive space.

I know that what I'm talking about isn't a new idea. It's been around for quite a while and I'm sure there is a whole body of literature that talks about the impact technology has had on human relations/interactions. I guess it just made me realize [again] the importance of making those face-to-face contacts, of spending time with actual human beings, and de-technologizing whenever possible. Although I *love* technology and definitely enjoy any number of its benefits, my inner geek and I are both enchanted by being able to engage in live, human interaction :)

By the way, if this post piqued your curiousity about what social interface design actually is and where it might be going, you can further investigate at Joel's discussion forum on Social Interface Design or The Socialsoftware Blog.

Another weekend seminar

I'm now sitting in the grad lab in Smith, having just walked out of my second weekend seminar. The first time was back in the spring and I never came back after Friday evening. That experience was awful. This time was different. Three of us spoke with the instructor Friday evening and voiced concerns about the way she was presenting information. She was open to our discussion and seemed interested in trying to accommodate some of our needs.

Note the use of the word 'seemed' in that sentence? Although I don't doubt she listened to us, it appears that after she got home, she decided that she was going to keep the class exactly as it is. She did make an opening statement that addressed all sorts of things like students' discomfort with a different way of learning, the fact that this teaching style has worked for 2000 years, that our need for different ways of learning is cultural, and so on.

I was quite, quite disappointed. I had hoped that she would at least make one or two modifications but I don't think she did. In all honesty, I couldn't even imagine staying around any longer to find out. I guess it really bugged me because this way she considers 'experiential' is not as experience-based as she'd like to think. It's true that the practice of meditation in the class is experience-based but the way she delivers the information is totally banking system - no experience required - open head, pour in lecture.

I would have stayed for at least the meditation practices but being forced to sit for 30-40 minutes listening to her drone on about the concept we're supposed to be meditating for or about was just unbearable. It's possible that in another few years I'll be able to see value in that sort of instructional pedagogy but, right now, I don't. I've spent my entire academic life so far being a drone in the banking system of learning and I want as little as possible to do with it for a while longer.

She also mentioned that she'd tried something similar to what we asked about when she first started teaching (10 yrs ago) and it was a bad experience. I'm more inclined to believe that perhaps she wasn't too successful at facilitating it and that a more organic, less controlled learning environment makes her extremely nervous. That's pure speculation on my part, however.

It strikes me as ironic that a Buddhist practicioner, who teaches on being present in the moment and letting go of habitual ways of reacting, seems extremely attached to 'the right way' to deliver those teachings and has such a different perception [than me] of the classroom environment.

More ridiculous avoidance

For the blissfully unaware, there's an ongoing story in my life about parking for my motorcycle. The latest installation is that the two garage buildings just came open. One might be tempted to think that all problems will now be solved but that is not the case. Apparently, my grumpy neighbor *formally* requested the front garage before my landlord (ll) knew it was going to open up.

This would mean nothing to me except for this: I spoke with ll *way* back in January and we discussed parking for my bike. Parking for my bike has come up at least twice because the aforementioned garage guy got upset over where I had it parked a couple of times. So ll knew that I was concerned about parking - since long before I moved out here and certainly before grumpy neighbor made his request.

In my mind, a fair thing to do would have been to offer the 'prime' building to each of the tenants, in descending order of time of residence. In case you didn't already figure it out, this did NOT happen. No - I'm not angry about not getting the building b/c I probably couldn't afford the rent anyway. I'm upset because my ll didn't have enough consideration to even ask me - even though he KNOWS parking is an ongoing concern for me.

My guess? My ll is so conflict-avoidant that he wasn't willing to tell grumpy neighbor he'd have to wait until everyone ahead of him turned it down before he could have it. Obviously, I have no way of knowing whether this is true or not but, given my ll's reluctance to actually step up and handle a couple of other potential conflicty situations, I think it's probably a reasonable assumption.

This is an extremely unpleasant situation for me because I feel like I'm being somewhat forced into the 'bitchy and/or unreasonable tenant' role. I'm not being bitchy OR unreasonable, but I am being clear on how I feel and I don't think ll likes hearing it. I'm not asking him for anything or accusing him of anything but I think he's feeling fairly defensive anyway. His email back to me about the situation said this: "...asked me about the garage long before I even had any idea that the guy renting it was going to be giving it up. No favoritism here, just circumstances."

Wrong - the garage opening up early was circumstance. Who actually GOT the garage was ll's choice. I don't think it was favoritism, I think it was a desire to avoid any sort of conflict with grumpy neighbor (i.e. telling him no or that he'd have to wait).

At any rate, I think I'm going to look around a bit - my lease is up in Feb/Mar 05 and although I really like my apartment & mdal, I don't like feeling like I have to specifically address issues that could be handled via clear and simple policies. I also am unwilling to keep feeling like the 'bad person' in these situations that arise simply because ll won't step up to the plate and handle the issue.

Southern fried memories

To say that I've been in a state of culture shock for the last 6 months or so would be pretty durn accurate. It's been hard to accept - that I, a military kid, would have such a struggle adjusting to a new environment. It probably wouldn't be so difficult except for one thing - I don't WANT to miss the place I left!

I don't want to miss living in Charlotte - I never liked the place that much and who wants to admit that they miss living in the South?! But I do, or, rather, I miss the familiar things, the understandings and nuances, the way of life I'd known for so long. You wouldn't think it was a big deal - I only moved to another state, not another country - but it is.

Oregon, the Pacific Northwest in general, is like another country. Portland often seems like another planet. Because I'm now admitting that I do miss NC, I thought I'd make a list of stuff I remember as distinctly North Carolinian, to remind myself just what I left. Some of this stuff is peculiar (perhaps) to the more eastern part of the state but still, here 'tis:

• Pig pickins' ("eat some of that skin, it's good!")
• New trailers going up in Hurricane Alley (because it's so safe)
• An entire free standing building dedicated to dentures
• Tobacco sheds, disentegrating but still in use (ask me about "jumpin' monkeys")
• Soybeans, picked over cotton plants, and corn
• Butchers and meat packers everywhere
• BBQ (with a vingear base sauce only)and sweet tea
• Fences composed of rotting wooden posts and rusted chicken wire
• Produce stands beside peach and apple orchards (best peaches are still from GA)
• Flat, featureless ground with pine trees and sand
• Azaleas and dogwoods - EVERYWHERE
• Year 'round, houses garishly decorated for Christmas
• Insurance agents on every corner
• The Piggly Wiggly
• Bingo parlors!
• Jones Sausage Road
• Sweet Daddy and the United House of Prayer for All People
• Full immersion baptism
  

For more reminisces, see this previous post.

Questionable outcome

I just read about the gun buyback program that looks like it's going to be extended in Sadr City. In all honesty, I don't even think it sounds like a good idea. I mean, it *sounds* good but even a shallow investigation or a bit of deeper thought and it becomes to look rather sketchy. For one, could we ever buy back enough guns to make any sort of impact on the fighting? Two, we're probably paying them enough for each turn-in to go out and buy at least one, maybe two, others.

Lastly, I googled on "weapons buyback in US" and found some interesting stories, as follows:

Bush Halts HUD Gun Buyback Program - ostensibly because it wasn't working.
Gun Buyback Works - an Australian effort at home is successful
185 Guns Collected
Australia's Answer to Carnage: A Strict Law
Gun buyback program a shooting success!

Although it does look like several of these were considered successes, I have to wonder if this kind of program will actually work in a war zone that is fueled by hatred of the invader and religious fanaticism.

gazing out

rain runs down
              the window; spotty
              glass,
 wet with runoff
              flowing from my leaky gutter

The picture is bleak

The world today seems riddled with corruption, abuse, and violence. Although activists encourage us to celebrate every victory, those victories seem small in comparison to the problems. All those positive platitudes don't seem terribly effective. The more I learn, the more difficult and complex solution-finding becomes and, at times, even that process seems corrupt.

Intellectually, I know that this is a phase in human history, no better or worse than others - except for the looming threat of extinction. I realize that sounds fucked up but I'm talking mainly about the way people treat each other, not the slickster technology we have waiting in the wings to usher in the end. There has been an immense amount of human misery, death, and ongoing suffering in the last century with, it seems, little human progress to offset it.

There's part of me that can almost conceptualize a 'better' world but the louder voice calls the quieter voice a ridiculous idealist who couldn't peel a banana. The down moments feel really down lately.

Turn of phrase

I'm listening to a tiny bit of Randi Rhodes and I heard a caller use the phrase "swarm of morons" (in reference to the current administration) and found it very appealing. I do feel it a bit guilty, however, about the possible insult to mosquitoes, bees, and any other flying insect that swarms

tidbittles

Okay - getting up off the floor now - trying to stop laughing and start breathing...

Who says that our government isn't being fair?

Other countries are doing it, why aren't we?

errrrr.....WHAT??? How the hell did that end up in MY inbox?

Again, I'm about a gazillion years late in blogtime but WTF???

Why are people surprised? This is the same station that forced its ABC affiliates NOT to air Nightline's honorary list of Iraqi war dead.

Rock on Amy, Howard, and Juan!

I'd feel sorry for his bumbling ineptitude and lack of credibilty if he weren't the goddamned pResident of the United States!

No On 36!

Here in Oregon we've got a measure on the ballot (Measure 36) that would amend the state constitution to define marriage as between "one man and one woman." I am adamantly and totally opposed to this measure. In large part because I find it disgusting and reprehensible that people will try to use our state constitution to promote completely religiously-based definitions and in part because it's just plain wrong. (update 10/17/04: see real live preacher's discussion on this)

If you don't agree with gay marriage - fine. Campaign to your heart's content, dislike the lifestyle, actively work to convert people, and so on. IMO, you need to get some perspective and get your head out of your ass but that's just me. Don't hurt people, but feel free to express your opinion. HOWEVER, you not liking/agreeing with the lifestyle is acceptable while legislating your beliefs into law IS NOT.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately, trying to find a good analogy that might make 'normal' people think about it a bit differently and here's what I've come up with: Why don't we legislate "family" as "a man, a woman, and any biological offspring that result as mating between the aforementioned man and woman." Wouldn't that fuck some people up? Let's just list everyone one who would be legally affected by such a definition:

• adopted children
  
• stepchildren
  
• single parent families
  
• other family members such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles could longer be considered primary caregivers
  
• families who take in needy children but don't have any legal 'claim' to them
  

Since I'm no lawyer and don't know much about family law, I'm sure that my attempted analogy would be shot full of holes immediately but I said it to prove a point. When you use the argument that you're proposing legislation to "legalize a historical defintion of marriage", you should think carefully about what kind of precedent you're going to set. If it's okay to define an institution like marriage in such a narrow and limited way, why shouldn't it also be possible to legalize the definition of family (or other social institutions) in the same way?

Using the words "historically defined" seem to me a recipe for disaster. History is ALWAYS written by the victors, the dominators, the powerful. Of course there would be little written about oppressed and minority groups - their voices aren't heard. I think that, in a case like this (perhaps all cases) using a historical example to discriminate, separate, or otherwise hurt people is all too easy because history is often about finding ways to keep the powerless squashed. Finding examples to support ongoing oppression is easy.

One of the most difficult parts of this whole argument is that the people who want this redefinition seem unwilling to admit that it's almost entirely religiously based. I went to a ballot measure forum this past week and the woman campaigning for the measure had lots of other arguments & such but, at no time, did I hear her openly admit that the campaign itself was supporting the measure for religious reasons.

When you can't address the basic premise (the Bible says homosexuality is wrong and therefore gays shouldn't be allowed to marry) because the people supporting that premise won't even admit it IS their basic premise, it's almost impossible to argue. You have to dance around with all other kinds of reasoning, none of which address the basic argument. If you do address that basic premise, many will deny that it IS their premise. If someone refuses to believe that there is a sky, how on earth can you talk to them about the sky being blue?

She's right

epoll at strangechord is right - running away never fixed or solved anything. I guess it's just terrifying to think of another four years of Bush. In case you don't surf over to see her, you should definitely look at this man's picture.

As if

there were no darkness
the light shines
bleakness is moved
towards
something else
crystalline drops
of
liquid hope

Goodbye and bright journey

to Christopher Reeve. My support and love are with his family and friends.

Jennifer Aniston

ROCKS!! I just saw her doing a promo for Women's Voices, Women Vote. I never watched her in Friends but I saw her in The Good Girl and (of course) Office Space. Again I say, she ROCKS!

Oh, what an amazing life!

School is going SO well I'm just blown away! The class I'm mentor for, Leadership for Change, is really good. My favorite part is mentor session. I absolutely love facilitating discussion and I hope my co-learners enjoy it as much as I do. As for my education, things are starting to gel, slowly but surely. I spoke with btin, one of my advisors, this week and ran my master's project idea past her. I'm going to speak to ppara and if the project will fit with his program, I'm going to fill out the dual master's app and get the paperwork going.

The project I'm interested in is putting together a senior capstone that focuses on environmental issues/ecological justice as peacebuilding. The pieces have been floating around for about two months now but btin brought it into focus by mentioning Wangari Maathai, the Kenyan environmentalist who just won the Nobel Peace Prize. So if an environmentalist wins a peace prize, how can work on ecological issues NOT be peacebuilding?

I ran this past btin because I wanted to be clear about whether or not I could include peacebuilding as part of this project. She was pretty supportive after we clarified the connections so I'm feeling good about presenting my idea to ppara. If all goes well, I'll be swinging out of there in (probably) 1 1/2 - 2 years with two masters. Not bad atall...

A note on dehumanizing

This post was prompted by further reflection on Edwards' treatment of Cheney in last night's debates. Specifically, I heard people today saying that Edwards made a huge political mistake by not going in for the kill on the gay marriage issue; that he should have nailed Cheney to the wall. While I don't know whether or not he made a political error, I'll say that I'd rather have someone who can view an opponent as human than as a potential political target any day.

We have to begin transforming the way we think about people. We have to begin looking for our commonalities, not using our differences to make each other less than human. Yes, I believe Cheney has done some terrible, unethical, and destructive things. Yes, I think that people should know that he has horribly abused his position and his power. But I applaud Edwards in his successful attempt to find some connection with Cheney instead of making him seem even more inhuman.

Although it may seem, within our current paradigm, that Edwards was weak and indecisive, I believe that what he did took more strength and courage than many other politicians posses. He looked beyond his personal need for power and saw into the heart of a father who is struggling with an issue that affects him personally and deeply. The heart-based ability to make those connections and recognize that humanity is what sets our future leaders apart from today's fear-based leaders.

If we truly want what we say, a nation not ruled by the culture of fear, we need to recognize and support those public attempts to change the ways we relate to each other - no matter how uncomfortable they may make us initially. John Edwards, if you didn't have my respect before, you have it now.

Where

is
a sense that
I
be-long to, am pre-sent as
part of
a larger meaning

Photos from the peace rally

There was a peace rally here in Portland on October 3, 2004. I don't know if the date has any 'significant' value but any protest against the war surely does. There were a wide variety of groups there from Teachers Against War, WILPF, to the Radical Cheerleaders (I think). It was a focused and positive march, with what felt like wonderful intent behind it. Stop the killing, stop the war!

peace rally 6 - soldiers	Peace rally 5 - radical cheerleaders
peace rally 4	peace rally 3
peace rally 2	Photos from last week's peace rally.

New chair

This is my new magenta butterfly chair. It is replacing a black fold-up papsan. The pic is a bit blurry but you get the idea.

Binky and Mom

Check out the Binkster! Looking pretty doggone good for a 21-yr old. Croed is such a great mommy :)

I am

taking up space today
awkwardly manuevering through my life today
feeling doughy and unleavened today
hoping that I will shine through the clouds today
wandering in the damp and trodden fields today
looking for the light to help me through today

In case you didn't already know

you should watch this movie and find out who our real enemies are.

How sad 'tis

How distressing for the president to be the victim of such bad drycleaning...

Yes, it's another debate post...

Someone finally asked Bush about who he would choose to put on the Supreme court if given the chance. He said he'd pick someone whose personal opinion wouldn't interfere with their interpretation of the law. The example he gave was that he wouldn't pick anyone who refused to allow the pledge in schools because of the words 'under God' - because that's not a matter of opinion?

He referenced the Dred Scott case which okayed slaves as personal property and said that wasn't a matter of opinion but a matter of law. I'm not entirely sure what he was trying to say there but I think his logic was off. The people who created law held, in their opinion, that slavery was okay and that blacks weren't human. Seems to me that saw is often about interpretation and opinion.

As I stated previously, I cannot even begin to understand how this man even functions in today's society with such a limited and dualistic perspective, let alone any grasp of the complexities that face national leaders. How can he NOT see that forcing people to state a belief in God is all about forcing your beliefs (i.e. opinion) on them? I am constantly flabbergasted at Bush's absolute refusal to acknowledge that there can be more than two sides to an issue.

blegh, blech, blagh...

I had to start another post because the other debate post got too long. Bush was asked about his position on the environment and he concluded by calling himself "a good steward of the land." Even I, not an environmentalist, know what a total crock of shit that is. Holy god, the man has no shame? Now he's saying that signing the Kyoto Protocol (global warming) would have cost the US jobs? What?

Starbuck's Double Shot Espresso Drink

Just have to say how much I love that commercial. Not because I like Starbuck's (ick - big corporate greed) but because I LOVE the whole "Survivor casually following a guy around and singing about him" thing. Also, who can pass up the combination of purple velveteen and leopard skin?

"and one day he just may be-coooooooooome.......................supervi-i-sor..."

Watching the veeps

I'm watching the veep debates and am finding it quite interesting and entertaining. They're much more ferocious and growly at each other than the prez candidates were - actually addressing "you're lying" sorts of remarks at each other. I'm liking this almost more than the prez debates mainly because they're being much more forthwright and up front.

I have to say that Cheney is speaking articulately even though I disagree with him on most of the content of his speeches. They just addressed the question of the gay marriage amendment and Edwards gave a wonderful, thoughtful, and highly articulate response - referring to Cheney's family and his admiration for their support of their daughter. Cheney's only response was to thank Edwards for his remarks. Cheney's previous statement about this issue leads me to believe that perhaps he & Bush disagree on this policy.

After that exchange, it seems that some of the heat has gone out of the discussion. There is still finger-pointing and accusation, but the feeling of intense personal dislike seem to have lifted. Somehow, Edwards' acknowledging Cheney, his family, and their struggle seems to have formed some sort of slight bond - maybe between two fathers with daughters they love - who knows?

Now, the question about Edwards' qualifications: Edwards was direct and honest about his political newness but he was also sincere and (I think) convincing. Cheney did bring up an important point - that a veep should be someone the people can trust to take over if necessary. However, Cheney's "I think Bush would be a better commander-in-chief, he's done it for the last 4 years" was a bit much.

What I'm finding quite interesting at this moment is that Cheney actually appears human for the first time. They're talking about their qualifications for the office and, for the first time, Cheney mentioned some of his personal history. He looks thoughtful and does not appear aggressive, not sure if this is just a poser in top form or if he's really displaying a tiny piece of humanity. Edwards, unfortunately, goofed twice and used John Kerry's name when he wasn't supposed to.

At the end of the debate, I have to say that I don't see a clear cut winner. I think both men made their message/points pretty clearly and they both stayed on message pretty tightly. I don't think either distinguished himself content-wise although I do think that Edwards is much more personable, sincere, and believable.

Full weekend

What a full weekend! I spent yesterday with wpark - we went to Sauvie's Island, had dinner at Sal's, and then went to see Spiderman 2. The weather was spectacular and we found this wonderful wonderful place called the Blue Heron Herbery. It's one of the most peaceful and gorgeous places I've seen in a long time. We hung out there for at least an hour, just soaking up the atmosphere, chatting, and relaxing.

Today, I did some reading and then went to the peace rally in the north park blocks. It was such a wonderful rally - a *lot* of different groups and people were there but there was a calm sense of purpose that was good to be part of. This is one of the things that I love about Portland. Even without a big 'marker' (holiday, anniversary, etc), hundreds, if not thousands, of people will show their support for such an important cause.

I then spent 2 1/2 hrs with my faculty partner, dwillia, going over last week's class and making some changes. We decided to tweak this class in order to include as much local political action as possible. Portland has not only several politicians up for re-election but there are six ballot initiatives up for vote, along with two others referred back to voters by legislators. We want to bring discussion of as many of the ballot measures as possible into the classroom. So now I'm writing this teensy little post, watching the movie Taking Lives, and getting ready to start some of the reading for my class tomorrow night.

On an unrelated note, doing some serious thinking about the type of project I'd like to do for my master's. For the record, a project isn't required in the MAT program - I have to take an oral and written examination. However, I feel very strongly that, in order for this program to be as meaningful as possible, I need to bring all the theory into practice. Also, I don't think exams bring quite the oomph to a master's that a project will. It'll be good to have something concrete and real to show for my work.

I haven't decided what to do yet, but I'm considering proposing a senior capstone for the University Studies program. I have spoken to a couple of my advisors and gotten some recommendations for people to talk to. I'm going to start contacting them in the next couple of weeks, even though the project itself probably won't materialize for several more months. My initial thought is something around "Conscious Peacebuilding" or "Peacebuilding Dialogues". I feel calmer now, like things have shifted into a little more focus.

Debate delay

In blogtime, I'm about a hundred years late with this post but 'sokay - I don't have a helluva a lot to say - certainly nothing that hasn't been said a bunch of times already. What I'll recommend is this great piece by Ira Chernus with an introduction by Tom Engelhardt. This, to me, captured the essence of the divide in the American people.

There are those who desperately want to believe that the romanticized American dream they've been fed is the *real* world and there are those who know it isn't. Knowing that the mythological America is simply that - a myth - doesn't make it less powerful or elements of it less valuable. There is incredible value in stories and in our belief in them. However, when our story begins to become the only story that we care about, we set ourselves and others up for a great deal of pain and suffering when we try to find ways to make the story keep working no matter what.

So what's the story - American fantasy or the world's reality?