In the minority

A couple of years ago, I set some goals for myself around how I wanted to live my life. At the time, I didn't articulate these goals but I had a vague idea what I wanted and I started moving in that direction. Those loose goals included the following:

• releasing the desire and inclination to *do* all the time
  
• recognizing that simply *being* is infinitely desirable
  

I think I have come quite a long way in accomplishing both of those (although accomplishing a goal is rather paradoxical considering the second statement) but I feel like I've hit a sticking point.

The first part of the summer was a great deal of work and I spent the second part of the summer just relaxing and enjoying the rest of my time off from coursework. Now that classes have started again, I find that I still have that 'end of summer' attitude. I'm working as a mentor but, this term, that isn't taking too much time. I'm doing some small volunteer projects with the Women's Resource Center but, again, not too time consuming. I do a teensy little bit of volunteer work with Free Geek and I work two hours, two days a week at a local barn to pay for a weekly riding lesson.

My coursework, thus far, has taken very little effort. I know that's going to change towards mid-November but that's a couple of weeks off. In short, I feel a bit at loose ends. Even though I have free time, I can't make myself 'do' stuff to fill it. I've got a membership at a great gym and I don't want to be there. I live in the PNW - home of the outdoor activity and I don't want to do any. I could work more at the barn and ride more, don't want to do it. I could read my unread books - don't want to do it.

In short, I just wander around thinking about stuff I could do and not doing it. Almost every person I know has got so much 'stuff' in their life it's unbelievable. Classes, job, relationships, other people, traveling, research, activism/volunteering, organizations, etc. I'm beginning to feel a bit like I'm not doing enough to keep up. See the dilemma? I spend all this time unlearning the desire to define myself through 'doing' and I find myself confused because I feel like I'm not doing enough.

I've worked pretty hard to remove most of the sources of stress in my life - moving 3000 miles was helpful in some ways, not so much in others. I feel like I've moved through a lot of the anxiety that was cause by the move so maybe I'm just in the transition state between moving and whatever comes next. I've got more attention, awareness, and energy now (released from the "oh my god I moved 3000 miles and I'm all by myself" thoughts) and I don't have a place to focus it yet.

That feels pretty right on, although the feeling of 'loose ends' isn't terribly comfortable. Oh well, feeling unmotivated to do more than the bare minimum for a while won't kill me :)