speaking of truth

Why does it bother us so much when we think people don't believe what we're saying? I find this an interesting question because *everyone* I know gets at least a little irritated when they think someone is calling them a liar. If you KNOW that what you're saying is true, why should it matter so much what someone else says about it? That's the catch though, isn't it? How often are we that certain of what we're saying? How often do we feel in our heart and soul that we're speaking truthfully? Not often, I think.

That's why it bugs us so much, to the point of wars, killing, violence, mayhem, and other horrid things. Because, on some low, fundamental, possibly unconscious level, we don't 100% believe in what we're doing or saying. And when someone else questions it out loud, it brings up all those niggling, fermenting little doubts we were already having. But it's easier to blame the other person - that bastard who dared question our decision. Thus the madness and mayhem - all because we doubt ourselves but aren't willing to admit it.

What's so bad about admitting that we have some questions about our decisions? Is it because we're not willing to accept that another version of reality might be more appropriate than what we've got in mind? Maybe what we've decided isn't as good as what someone else decided. (see where this is going?) I think the anger and resentment we direct toward others is a reflection of the angry judgements we pass on ourselves. Ask almost anyone and they'll tell you "I'm MUCH harder on myself than anyone else ever could be." At least, we type A's are (recovering type A here...).

And the self talk that ensues after every decision is heart-rending and incapacitating. The judgement and blame all go squarely on ourselves. Sometimes we openly acknowledge this but, more often than not, it's deeply buried - the voice in our head is so present, all the time that we don't consciously hear it anymore. But it talks on. And what it says is often unbearable. It's easier to direct all those negative feelings about ourselves onto something external. Because if we really listened to what the voice was saying, if we thought about all it implies, we wouldn't be able to live. The implications of that voice's ongoing monologue are enormous and crushing. Are we truly that incapable of doing anything worthwhile or good? If we can't do anything worthwhile or good, what does that say about the person that we are? Surely, if we were good and worthwhile people we could do good and worthwhile things?

So we must be worthless, vile and despicable, incapable of any decent and worthy act. Such sadness, such unworthiness, and such guilt. And it's easier to externalize those feelings than to truly look at them. Truly feel the pain - to acknowledge that we could feel such terrible things about our beautiful, loving selves.

So this could go on and on but I'll end it here: Why is it so upsetting when someone calls you a liar? Truth is truth, no matter whether someone else chooses to believe or not. Perhaps the anger is a result not of their name calling, but of our own inability to trust and believe our own truths.