Gimme a break

I posted an ad on the personals on craigslist a few weeks ago and received quite a number of responses. A couple of them progressed as far as coffee & conversation but that's pretty much it so far. Anyway, one of the people I met, I'll call him Jim, was pretty nice but vastly different than he portrayed himself in his email. Not that he lied or sent pictures of a different person or anything, he was just really different.

His emails were enthusiastic and chatty but he was nervous and quiet. He came across as one of those people you really have to work with to get decent conversation and that absolutely doesn't work well for me. Also, he was rather aggressive with the first-date kissing. I mean, I'm okay with a little goodbye kiss on the first date but it was just a little much. However, I said he could call me and we'd see if it worked out that we could see each other again.

That was probably a week, week and a half ago. He's called once or twice but I haven't had time to go out. We spoke earlier this week and he was going to call Thursday or Friday & see if we could get together. Well, he didn't call until 9:30 Friday night, by which time I'd already made plans for Saturday - my only free day. I told him this and then, unexpectedly, found myself saying that I just didn't think this was going to work.

I was being honest - I don't know that I really have time for more than an occasional coffee or dinner with someone - but it was partly that I didn't want to exert all that effort for him. Well, instead of taking it gracefully, he made a comment about how I just couldn't make time for him. I responded by saying I wasn't making time for anyone and he said that I could if I wanted to. I asked him if he wanted me to make up some reason why I didn't like him - that he drove the wrong kind of car or something. He said no, but that he wanted to know (basically) why I didn't like him - why I wouldn't make time for him.

Those of you who know me know that I don't put up with those sorts of games. I don't like to play "give me all the reasons why you don't so that I can come back with all the reasons why you should." If it ain't there, it just ain't there. So I told him that I was being honest, that I didn't feel that I had the time, and that I didn't think I owed him any other explanation. Well, that finished it. He said thanks and we hung up.

When it comes right down to it, why do we choose some people over others? I just don't think there's always a good answer. Especially if the people you don't choose are nice enough in their own right -- it's not a cut and dried decision that's based on certain, detailed, factual information. For me, it's about the connection and the energy. If either of those things is missing or weak, I'm less inclined to want to spend time with that person.

But it can so often turn into that nasty little dance where I'm being honest but the other person is playing out their personal drama and it doesn't matter what I say, it's interpreted as the fulfillment of whatever bad thing they were expecting to happen. So whatever his fear was (that he was too pushy, that he wasn't witty enough, or whatever other stuff), that's how my explanation will be construed.

Too bad - it's never my intent to hurt anyone's feelings, but I'm also not interested in engaging in those ridiculous, explanatory conversations that end up doing no good whatsoever.

NOTE: Yes, I realize that he was partly right when he said I just didn't want to make time for him, but that wasn't the only reason. Apparently, my mistake was in not agreeing with his reasoning immediately. I suppose it's one of those times when I had to decide just how much of the truth I was willing to tell and I misjudged.