Advising

I spoke with my program director today about the direction I want to take my studies. He was attentive and supportive and now I'm all freaked out. Not because of him specifically but about the whole thing in general. It was even difficult for me to articulate what I'm interested in other than saying 'spiritual peacemaking' and 'energetic communication'. Neither of those sound too definite or too realistic, especially since I couldn't do much by way of clarification. So, for all the world to see, here are the fear-based thoughts that immediatley arose:

1. There is not a lot of 'acceptable' scholarly literature out there. I won't be able to use the work of people like Carolyn Myss, Marianne Williamson, James Twyman, or Barbara Ann Brennan. These people are paragons in their fields but, because they don't write for academia, they don't count. Although there are people engaged in spiritual peacemaking, I don't know if it's considered a true part of the conflict resolution field. I also get a bit defensive about this because I have a big issue with a writer's work not being considered 'good enough' simply because she/he doesn't publish in scholarly journals.



2. I have no idea where to begin. I have the broad idea but I haven't developed the common theme to bring all the pieces together.



3. What if someone else does it first? Then it won't be my idea anymore. But it's not really mine anyway, I'm just building on what Christine McMahon taught me. I suppose at the lowest level, I'm afraid someone else's work will be better than mine.



4. I'll fail in that I won't be able to pull the pieces together. I won't be able to make a coherent whole from the disparate parts.



5. Maybe spiritual peacemaking is just another aspect of what's already available. Maybe I'm chasing shadows and wasting my time with further inquiry & research.



6. Perhaps I'm overestimating my abilities. Am I just kidding myself that I have what it takes to do this? Why do I feel my ideas are important enough to warrant study & investigation? Am I just fooling myself?



7. I'm afraid I'll be laughed at and not taken seriously. Although I wouldn't enjoy this on a personal level, it has the potential to damage the credibility of the idea, not just me. I don't want to make it even more difficult for the next person who tries.

I realize that these are all totally fear-based thoughts. I feel like they're forming because, although I still feel incredibly certain about what I feel drawn to study, I have no idea how that study will look and where it's going to go.