The happy face

I'm trying to put on the happy face but I can't seem to find it. I'm thinking about tomorrow - Thanksgiving - and the fact that I won't be with my best friends. I've spent the last four Thanksgivings with Christine and Christian - usually some other cool folks - at their place with their fabulous cooking. This year, they're in their beautiful, new home and I won't be there to celebrate the first holidays with them.

I love Portland and school and all the great stuff that this city has to offer. But it doesn't have my friends or my family. I have new friends but the feelings are different. I suppose it's because developing really deep relationships takes time and I haven't had that time yet. Maybe I'm just holding onto my familiar friendships because they're comfortable. Are they keeping me from taking the big, emotional plunge out here and extending myself towards new people?

What I know is that my heartfriends in Charlotte are a big part of the reason I'm out here - they supported me and loved me through these last, difficult years and have continued to support me since I moved. It's the first time in my life that I've been truly conscious of how much people mean to me and it's kind of scary. I'm learning more and more that my life as a child was such a lonely, disconnected life and that much of my journey is finding ways to fill those gaps and make connections.

We did an exercise in class this past term in which we were given a list of core values & asked to rate them. We narrowed them down from Top 10 to Top 2. The Top 2 in the class were love and family. Family didn't even make my Top 10. What does that say about how close I am to the people I grew up with? What does that say about me? I feel like I've made a lot of mistakes in my relationships, in large part because I never wanted to feel like anybody ever mattered to me. I never wanted to admit how much I cared for people. That makes me sad now and I'm sorry to all those people I unknowingly hurt.

I love you - Christine, Christian, Judy, Jessica, Dana, Patti, Glen, Chris, Cecilia, Harry, Bill, Steve, Melanie. You're part of my family, my heartfamily, and I miss you this holiday season.