driveling drivelish drivel

It's Memorial Day weekend, Saturday afternoon around 6:00 and I have nothing to do. That is pathetic enough but the form of entertainment available to me at the moment is the really low channel cable programming. Here's what I've seen:

A commercial in which a girl (probably about 12 but looks 18 or so) runs to the door (because she's been waiting for her date to show up), melts her face screaming when she sees it's her date & realizes that (freakin' flapjacks) she's got hairy legs! She races madly to the bathroom and sprays some foam on her legs (oven cleaner maybe?) and then wipes them down with a downy cotton ball. Suddenly, the world swims back into focus and she's able to concentrate on her womanly duties with regard to her man. Thank god for wipe-away hair.

Lethal Weapon II dubbed in spanish. No further comment required.

A low shot, upwards towards the front door of a house. The door opens in slow motion, a man runs out. He's a normal guy, some love handles, a little baldness happening up top. He's leaping around (still in slow motion) clicking his heels (no ruby slippers however) and clapping his hands in glee. Queen's "We Are the Champions" plays in the background. We're waiting anxiously to find out why he's so happy. Text fades in...Viagra (blah blah blah).

Steven Segall randomly kicking ass in order to Do the Dew.

A oddly shaped steamer thing that not only cleans the baked on grime off oven door glass but will clean a soy sauce stain off the cheapest piece of cloth you own. Even a stain you made on purpose can be cleaned with the Amazing High Pressure Steam Blower. The blower might also be used to get rid of those pesky freckles and other epidermal problems.

A bunch of fabulous manicures on the forty home shopping channels that have squeezed themselves into the 25 low level cable channels I get.

Any number of people who are willing to (for a small fee) help me on the road to salvation. I think they should all be referred to the Christian Exodus website.

A huge number of badly filmed, poorly lighted, and even more poorly scripted public broadcasting programs. The one I'm currently watching features a guy with a motorized scooter that looks pretty home grown. Is this trailer park QVC?

The Beatnik Sanctuary. I'm not sure if this is public broadcast programming or not but it's really lame-ola. Not only is the music pretty stinky, it's not even fun to watch. Oh god - save us from 70s rock album multi-color outline special effects... Is that woman shaking a squash or a beanbag?