Strong women

Recently, I've had the opportunity to re-examine my ideas about strong women. More specifically, what traits constitute strength for a woman? For the *vast* majority of my life, here's what I've thought:

intelligence
physical strength
a loud laugh
quick wit
analytical ability
indepence (or the appearance of independence)
problem solving
resolve/determination
shouldering as much as possible without breaking down
doesn't need relationships, although they can be nice

(note how many of these traits are things we find desirable in men?)

I don't know how many other women would identify with what I've listed but that's been my definition for a long long time. Over the last year or so, I've had those beliefs just turned upside down. I won't go into great detail but suffice to say it was a shock to me to realize that that strength of character isn't always based in the intellectual realm. Another thing I've noticed more recently (i.e. today) is that all of the traits I listed have nothing to do with feeling or emotion-based characteristics at all. I suppose I bought into the idea that weepy, emotional females are weak and I wanted nothing to do with emotions if they make you weak.

I don't believe that these traits I listed are undesirable in women, my point is that those were the ONLY things I thought made up a strong woman. I thought things like wanting to have intimate male relationships and caring about your appearance were things that only shallow, fluffy, brainless women wanted. I thought that being strong meant that you marched along with you eyes focused on lofty goals and important ideas. Strong women have neither the desire nor the time to waste on trivial things like their bodies or their relationships. Those were for other women, not me.

Discovering that I do care (on a really deep level) about my body has come as a great shock to me. Feeling how much it bothers me when I put on weight, have bushy eyebrows, or some bad skin days isn't pleasant. I don't want to worry about those things. I don't want to care about my body because that makes me one of those weak-willed, narcissistic females who can't think of anything but finding a guy to keep them in style (or so my thought process went).

I am also constantly amazed at the extremes that my thoughts take me to. For me, it appears, there is often no middle ground, only two ends separated by a vast gulf of darkness. I'll do almost anything to stay on the end I've chosen because I've gifted the other end with all the characteristics I'm afraid of.

Finding out that I'm part of the larger whole, part of a group that I share a lot more with than I necessarily want to admit, is scary. I've always kept my distance by refusing to allow myself to admit that I have many of the same feelings, desires, and needs that others have. In that respect, men and women are alike also and that makes it even scarier - to see that I'm part of humanity in a way I wouldn't recognize before. I thought that by keeping myself at a distance I could avoid all that messy stuff about emotions and feeling - especially with regard to myself.

It didn't work.