panic mode

Okay, I've been trying to hold it off but panic mode is *definitely* hovering over my head! To use a completely worn out analogy - I feel like I'm juggling bunches of 'things' and I could drop one at any moment! Adding onto this is the desire to see as many people as possible and spend as much time with them as possible before I leave. I'm also working on getting all my address changes in, accounts closed, etc. It also seems that myriad other little 'do me's ' keep popping up. ceroed reminded me that I have to get my cat's shots all updated before he goes to live with her. I didn't even think about it because he's been an only cat for so long but she's right - gotta get that done.

Panic mode just set in with a vengeance. For those of you who don't know, I've been trying to learn more about nonviolence and change my thinking & behavior patterns to more peaceful & nonviolent patterns. Well, that all just flew out the window. I was making a call about my college loans, ended up on hold for 30 minutes and when the guy came on, we were cut off. That was it. I completely lost my sanity for about three minutes. I threw the phone handset (cordless) at the wall several times - breaking it, of course. But that wasn't enough. I detached the base from the wall and smashed it on the floor two or three times. Then I bawled for about 20 minutes.

So much for the nonviolent reaction. The phone was acting funny anyway but it didn't deserve to be annihilated like that. What was so scary is how absolutely furious I was. Thank god it was just the phone. Surprisingly enough, I didn't feel inclined to whale on my cat. I guess that's progress and I'm looking for it wherever I can get it. I'm noting this experience so I don't forget that I still have violent tendencies. As much as I have changed, there's still more road to travel...